Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Strangers or long lost soulmates

We talk almost every other day. Ok we don't really talk, we chat - but in this electronic age where cards and letters are no longer posted in a strange red box, where surfing is not something for which you need your bathing suit, where most kids favorite sport is Doom or some other computer game, where chances are that you found your best friend on orkut and are yet to met him in person, I am sure I can be excused for making this small mistake. Anyway, coming to the point, we have been chatting for the past 3 years and sorry to disappoint you but we didn't meet on shaadi.com, or orkut or some chatroom. We were actually in a pretty serious relationship for a couple of years. She was the love of my life, but unfortunately by the time I realized that, she was already married to another guy and flying abroad with him. I had hurt her feelings and she had every right to be completely mad at me, but she is not the type to hold a grudge for long.

So we talk about everything from daily matters to work pressures and relationships. We seek each others advice and support, we shared our joys and sorrows. Sometimes when one went missing on messenger for a few days, the other would feel betrayed and fight when we got together again. Although we never decided it, but both of us try to keep our discussions away from the past.

Just this day I was discussing a problem with her, when out of nowhere I suddenly told her that I feel like hearing her voice, to really talk to her. Almost instantly I was regretting saying that. I suddenly started feeling anxious about so many things. I was not sure how would I feel or react on hearing her voice. Would there be an awkward silence between us. Would we have nothing to talk about or so much to talk about that we wouldn't know where to start. Or would we find the same connection that we shared earlier, when we spend days together or talked for hours on phone. Would we be complete strangers or long lost soul-mates.

I was surprised at all the emotions evoked in me just by the thought of talking to her. Have we not been talking all this while. We talked about everything that was going on in each other's life so how is speaking directly to her so different. And then I thought that all this while we had been shielded from each others emotions by the electronic media. All the text that scrolled across our screens carried information but effectively filtered out all the feelings. We could read what was going on but we couldn't feel each others emotions. She could write about her US trip but i couldn't hear her smile as she speaks about it. She could write about her nervousness about MS exams but I couldn't hear the fear in her voice. She could write about her problems but I could never hear the depth in her tone as she talked about it. She could tell me that she feels lonely at times but I could never hear the sudden silence in her voice when she couldn't stop her tears from wetting her eyes. We were insulated from each others feelings and suddenly I was threatening to break the barrier between us.

Anyway she spared me the anxiety. She said that she would feel awkward to talk to me. And she certainly don't want to meet me ever again. Looks like both of us are happy to hide behind this barrier. It would be too much pain and confusion to confront all those emotions once again. And till we are prepared for it, we have a perfect medium in front of us which allow us to tell each other everything without betraying our emotions...